regrouping

sorry it has been a while since i have written a proper post. if any one still reads me at all. i am under a tremendous amount of stress. work is a bitch. my hours suck, policies suck, it all sucks. my mom needs me alot, or at least i think i need to be there more than i can be working, and i am so stressed out all the time that i can't sleep (it is 415am now).

so i did not go to work today........just didn't have it in me to go. these 'dark' times will pass, but with feeling so pressured, i just am afraid of what the outcome will be. so we spent 3 hours at the after hours clinic to see the doctor to put me off work until i can get to see my family doctor (on the 31st july).

i need a break. my quality world is not in balance and i need to take stock and gain perspective. i am good at my job, i just don't like the environment. if i could do my job from home, it would be much better. i try and be social, but i do much better in my own safe zone.

i need to take a step back and decide what i wanna be when i grow up. i do not want to reside in headset hell until my retirement, my ears won't take it. if you have ever tried to take a call with a headset, from someone who is in a car on their poor reception cell phone, with the window down, you would understand. by the end of a shift, my ears hurt, and i hear a noise, or i think i hear a noise, more like a low hum.  you know the kind after a night at a rock concert (back in the days of rock concerts). 

i have had a stiff neck and very sore shoulders and plagued with headaches of late. i feel bogged down. i have no time to spend with my family, with my friends. i miss visiting. when you work from 145p-1030p monday to friday, that doesn't leave much time for anything else. mornings are a blurr 'cuz you gotta sleep in a bit. evenings are spent at work, and by the time you get horizontal, it is well past midnight. my mind won't shut off. 

stress leave is common in the call centre trade. the pressure to perform. handle as many calls as you can and be top notch. i am a good agent who is burning out. the fire is out. office politics being what it is there has embittered me. a little respect is all i command. the straw that has broken this camel's back was last week. there was an unidentified scent in the building, rumoured to be incoming from exterior sources through the air handling units. many staff went home sick. not just me. and not just a little uncomfortable. more like immediate headaches, dizziness and throwing up, along with respiratory distress, and then the stress and anxiety of having an asthma attack or an anxiety attack.   i was moved from my usual pod to one of the training rooms to resume my shift, like nothing happened. and i was told that 'the company' was paying some employees if they left, and not others. i was one of the ones who was to receive only one hour, and the rest to be taken from my accumulated sick time. fine, whatever. then there was a little thing that happened about a month or so ago. seems i have 'changed' at work. not my chipper self. well, i am sorry, my father was really ill and has only been dead 6 months. my mom is almost 80 and is ill too. i can't always be the happy sam. i am tired. i need time to regroup and re-evaluate my life. i need to have the time to spend with my mom. i need to be there when SHE needs me. i need to be able to book time off (that i have accumulated) so that i may get a rest. not happening. 

the chairs in the screen tent are getting dusty from not being sat in. i want to enjoy our screen tent. i need to get the lawn mowed. i need a day job. i need many things. i am rambling. i need to sleep. 

,,,oh, and i still need a shed.