and the past is coming back.....part 1

to haunt me, on a nightly basis.
through the medium of sleep;
dreams/nightmares/memories/regrets.
terror holds me tightly as i wrestle with what is to come,
and resolve what was in the past.

and i am sad.
afraid, of what the next turn in the road will show me.
dealing with the stresses, trying not to panic.
overwhelming guilt.

guilt. that emotion is a wasted one. no one should feel it.
it hurts, and its angry, and it causes anxiety attacks and tears.
confusion.

an appointment with a third party (v) will surely grant me a new, and healthier perspective to this latest drama. and perhaps resolve some of those long ago unresolved issues.

issues, baggage, whatever you want to call it. it all haunts me of late. and it is due, in part, to the fact that things were going too well. a wrench tossed into the gears of the working machine. health issues of someone who was always so strong, being reduced to sitting and staring, and trying to get fed.

it is all too much to deal with.

in the past.....many years ago, i was designated as primary caregiver to my in-laws. it didn't come about overnight, we planned for my leave of absence from my job at the time, to stay home and tend to every need of 2 frail souls in the 80s. they were in very poor health, and i won't go into all that, just say i was the one who did 90% of it all. overseeing the day to day health crisis. and work. i was younger then and in a bit better shape.

my life has taken such a happy change, new city, new home, a happy family, lots of cats. a good (if not as secure as we thought it was this week), and now all this dad stuff.

the guilt i feel is because i did all that primary for my family that was then. k and i went to the hospital yesterday around lunch time, and there was dad; sitting in one of those geriatric chairs with the table that locks shut. we said our hellos, but he was not certain of our relationship. that was hard. i am trying to face the fact that the dad i knew has left, and this new frail man has taken his place. i wrestle with the guilt factor. which is, if i did it for my in laws back in the 90s, why can't i step up to the plate and do it again for my own.???? i simply cannot. it is not expected of me. k told me that, she says to me last night, through my tears, that nobody expects me to do what i did for the in laws to do it again with my own parents. i have a life here, and to lose that after working so hard to get this far, would kill me inside.