Februarys past and present

in february, 1979, i got my period, i was 13, and it was gross. i will never forget that first time, nor any of the subsequent times, and now i have been period free for nearly a year (in april).

in february, 1994, my Bdad bill passed away. i met him initially in 1987, and had begun a relationship that was both fulfilling and complicated (due to my Bmother's interventions and inability to function at an adult level). after they finally parted ways, in 1993, Bill got in touch with me and we made up for lots of lost time. he came to visit us in september of 1993 and promised me he would come back in june for his birthday, and we would spend time at the lake boating etc. he passed away on feb 10,1994.  i delayed posting because i was unsure what to write about that i had not already said. it was wonderful to have had him for the short time i did. i have a video tape of us on a wednesday afternoon, just acting silly and very casual. it is a tape i will always treasure. i have the pictures, and a few items that were his to remember him by, and one special photo that was taken the day before he died, showing me that he really did grow a mustache. (it was a request i had for him the previous september.) it was like it was his last gift to me. 

february,2003, the 18th, was the last time i drank. 4 years. it seems longer than that sometimes. and other times it is like i am still a sober newbie. last summer was a hard one for me, not sure why. i still can't go where there is a lot of drinking going on. in fact, we do not go to dinner out at licensed restaurants, i wanted to , but got cold feet, and we wound up at ponderosa steak house, which was good and the meal was good. i felt like i let myself and k down, by not being able to just go to a restaurant and enjoy an evening. something about bottles of beer in my presence, brings back all manner of nasty memories. 

this february is the first one since dad died. it has been a rough time, but we are all hanging in. time heals all wounds no matter their depth. i guess we just need more time.

this febrary is also full of changes at work, shift bids and shift changes, company policies changing, and computer programs changing. so much change. the things that will stay the same however, is the love i fell every day with my family, my faith that i will still have a job to go to, and a warm and cozy home to come home to, complete with cats....gotta mention the cats, ya know.

more on some of these topics later. poet.