on this Father's Day eve

,,,,i pause to reflect on how dad was there for me. i remember being about 5 or 6 and sitting on the couch with dad. he used to play a game with hand puppets, he would make different animals and tell stories. i always enjoyed those.

dad played the organ, and very well i might add. there are tapes of him playing and one of these days i will have a machine that will play them again. reel to reel tapes. (i have 2 machines, but neither of them work, but they are antiques and i can't bear to part with them).

one summer day, while dad was mowing the lawn, he asked me to find the sprinkler...oh i found it all right, fell right on it and cut open my knee...still have the scar. two band-aides later and a hug or two and i was alright again.

when we moved to new brunswick, that september the FREX was going on. dad let me miss a day at school, and we went together. we had a great time. i/he won me ten stuffed animals ranging in size from teenie weenie to a huge stuffed st. bernard. we both wound up with heat stroke that day, but it was a lot of fun.

the day of my high school graduation he told me how proud of me he was. that was the first time i heard him say those words. i went to community college, but it didn't work out and the day they came for me, again dad said he was proud of me for trying.

when i did a birth search and found my biological family, dad was upset with me, he wondered how i could go searching for people i didn't even know, and who had nothing to do with raising the person he loved so much. i tried to explain, but it wasn't until my bio-dad, bill, died, that he understood. he was quick to offer hugs and condolences.

when i left my marriage, he told me that i was not a failure. that i did the best i could, and that again, he was proud of me. i was always going to be 'his little girl' and no matter what, that would never change. he just wanted my happiness to come first.

when i went to see him in the hospital the day he died, he looked so frail and so old. i held his hand and thanked him for everything that he did for me. i loved him and that it was ok for him to leave this life. he squeezed my hand, something that he had not done for days before.

and on this father's day eve, i will prepare to really say fare thee well, dad, for tomorrow will be the committal prayer at the cemetery, and you will be at peace. i will again promise the same things i promised to you before, that i will take care of mom and look out for her. and i will again thank you for being a great dad. i will miss you, i do miss you. and i love you.