the rear view mirror

sunday last: family day. we always begin our sundays in the same manner. cooking, cleaning, laundry. we have breakfast together, we have lunch together, we laugh, we joke, we tease cats, or just watch them make their craziness...or we just watch them sleep. afternoons are usually saved for nap time. this sunday will be different. since k's daughter m is working today (the 5pm-1am shift at the contact centre), she & her bf, j will not be joining us for supper and visit. our very good friend, R, will be. k's son r lives with us, and he will be here for supper etc. we planned to nap this afternoon. i, however, am not able to sleep. too much going around in my head.

this week has been really busy for me. i have that interview in moncton tomorrow. it is for the reservation sales agent position with a hotel & resort company. i would be away from home a month should they offer me a spot. after that month, they would set me up here at home to do the work. that would be so perfect. but i am nervous about the whole thing. i do want to do it. i know that i am capable of doing a good job. but, will they see that? when mom & i went shopping yesterday, she bought a new outfit for me for the interview. it is pretty darned nice, if i do say so myself.

i was out at mom's much this week. and stayed over night friday night too! getting the yard looking all "curb appeal" like in case someone is interested in seeing it. it has been on the real estate market for 15 days and thus far, not any sign of interest. of course, i realize that homes in rural areas don't sell over night, i would hope that at least people are looking at it on the web site. here's hoping! it is a really beautiful home, with lots of upgrades. nearly 2 acres of land complete the picture. cross those fingers!

i have been doing much sorting, packing and yard work out there. mom is really looking forward to the move now. she told me that now that she has faced the reality about dad not really remembering the place, or even that part of their life together (as difficult as that was), she might as well get used to it and move forward. that makes me so happy. since it is just me here doing all the looking out for her, it would be much more convenient if she lived closer.

so many things to do in preparation for the move. mom & dad accumulated many things in the last 30 years at their home in rural nb. i have a heap of crap in the garage to get taken to the local landfill! i also have many ads on the kijiji website. check out our stuff under art/collectibles, electronics, and furniture. i also put pictures up on my facebook, in case of some interest there. this morning, i had a lady come and buy the electric lawn mower and electric weed trimmer. i hope more people get to me on these things. it would be nice to have the moving sale in the next few weeks, and hope that generates some interest, too. that in itself is a lot of work, getting things cleaned, and priced and organized for sale. hard to do when you are like an only child.

i am not an only child. but i am the interested child. i am the one who has always been here, helping out on an almost daily basis. it is what children are supposed to do for their parents when their parents reach their later years. having taken care of my in-laws until their final days, and knowing what it meant for them (as well as my ex-husband, and his sister), i take great pride in being "there" for them. i have never been, nor ever will be, too busy for my mom. period.

my brother is 10 years older than myself. my parents adopted him at the tender age of 4 months. like with me, they loved him as they would a naturally born child. they clothed him, they nurtured him, they gave him every opportunity that they could afford. i never understood what happened after he married and had his own family. it seemed that we all of a sudden, weren't good enough to associate with. my brother was someone i had admired, almost like a god or something (of course i was just a mere child when he married and left for good).

he and his new wife came to visit our home the year after we moved to nb. for 4 days. i remember because i was so looking forward to it, and felt really let down, though i cannot recall why. when i was to graduate from high school in 1983, a very large event in anyone's life, he and his family could not attend, no flights, he said. air canada was on strike that year, i guess. he sent me a nice gift, and that was that. ok. the next big milestone in my life was getting married, 1987(not something i would do in hindsight, but whatever, i did it, it didn't kill me, and now i am a stronger person in many ways for having gone through that part of my life), anyway... he could not come down, something about being busy, not able to get the time off, didn't jive with vacation plans or the like. ok. whatever. it isn't like i can just hop a plane anytime and go see him. in 1989, i stayed at his home while i met my birth family. he could not understand why i needed to meet the people that gave me away. i tried to tell him that our parents were alright with my decision to search (something he has never ever done, and i believe holds a great deal of resentment inside). after all, my parents are the ones who took me in, adopted me and gave me everything i needed and most of what i wanted. just like they did with him. i can, in fact, count on one hand the number of times he has been here in the last 30 years to spend any amount of time with my parents or me. the last 2 times were dad related, when dad was in intensive care at the hospital, and for an overnight trip for the funeral.

i guess i hold some resentment (ya think??) toward him because he never came down more frequently when his daughters were younger. my nieces are now 26 and 21. i do not even know them. my brother robbed his children of getting to know their grandparents, and now there is just one left. it hurts me to my very core that he did that. i don't even care what his reasons are. keeping busy enables you to continue moving forward was something i was told today by my older niece, who finds it really strange that i (all of a sudden) want to get to know her. it is all of a sudden because she is now on her own, and able to make her own decisions....to get in touch with her paternal grandmother and aunt. with the advent of facebook, the opportunity presented itself to me to get in touch with both my nieces. i thought it would be a nice gesture. there are no ulterior motives behind this wish.

having lost parents (my inlaws were as close as my own parents, my dad, and my birth father), has made lasting impressions on how i conduct myself and with whom i remain in or reconnect with as i get older. still with facebook, i have gotten to keep in touch with my cousin's 2 daughters, one of whom got married in mexico last week, and the other who actually was living here in our fair city for the last 5 years! my other cousin has three sons and lives in the states. i have 2 of her three sons on my friend list. i have reconnected with both cousins, grown ups as we all are. no ulterior motives, just a desire to get to know them again, as family.

i guess it really upset me some of the things she said. purely because she only has one side of it. it isn't like i can say "well, your dad alienated his side of the family for whatever reason) he was too busy, worked too much, travelled too much, whatever. my brother never even bothered to pick up the phone on mother's day to talk to mom. how sad is that? how unacceptable is that?

this all stems from a portrait. mom called him to tell him she sent a portrait that was drawn of him from a friend of his. mom thought that with the move, he would want to have it. we guess not. when he finally called her back, she told him why she had called, he never even thanked her for it. just told her she didn't have to call, the delivery company would have tagged the door with an address for pick up. WTF? mom got upset, and asked him why he never called on mother's day. his response was, "well, that is a good question." WTF?? he began to go into one of his speeches (he is all sales man you see), and mom didn't want to hear it. she said she knew by the actions of the last 30 years that he didn't think anything of her or his father, or sister, and didn't want to hear excuses.  he has so hurt her to her very inner self that it has me ready to fight.

years and years of neglect. years of sending cards, gifts, cheques and letters, with not so much as a thank you, kiss my ass, or go pound sand. i am going to protect mom from any further hurt from him. i might even write him and tell him what i think.  my nieces only have one side, lord knows what he has said to them about us. i guess what my older niece said really did upset me. i told her i was sorry for that, and that one day she might know our side of things. but for now, i will respect her wishes, and avoid further contact. i guess i will leave it up to her and her sister to find their way to us. hopefully they will see the need for the bond of family before it is too late. as it is too late for their father.

i have asked mom if they ever had a falling out or anything, and to her knowledge there never was. he just stopped being their son, i guess. she as much as told him that she was all done with the whole bunch, taken for granted, mailing off cheques for birthdays and chirstmas into the black hole that is their mail box. 

yeah, i tried. lot of times. to get in touch with him. i wrote emails, and send photos i thought he would like to have. he is always too busy to write back. being busy keeps you moving forward....or is it escaping from looking back.

when you look at something in the rear view mirror, it gets smaller and smaller until it is just an insignificant dot, and then nothing. maybe this part of his family is that nothing in his rear view mirror.